I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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