My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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