nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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