why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
