Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
PANTIES FOUND
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