Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
