I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
