thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
