We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
