Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
