I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The beer is more important than you right now.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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