Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
