Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
