I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
