I love how my cats smell like pot.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
