Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
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You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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