I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
