I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
