Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
