Porn is love you can see.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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