saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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