just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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