Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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