And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
