I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
