sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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