my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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