I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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