I wish I could teleport
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
