these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
