Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
