Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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