Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize