Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
