im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
