He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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