When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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