It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
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The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
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In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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