I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
