he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
