# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
