Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
