you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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