Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
40s are totally the cure
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
