I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
