I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
