I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize