I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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