Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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