3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
