shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
