Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
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Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
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While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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