go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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