my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
