You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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