True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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