he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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