alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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