At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
